It’s common for people to smile sheepishly and say, “I’m a perfectionist!” If you’ve said this, chances are there’s a hint of pride in your attention to detail. People often compliment you on how hard you work and how thoughtful you are. It’s nice when people recognize your efforts! But you may also notice a sense of shame in how much energy you put into being perfect. After all, being a perfectionist often comes at the expense of leisure, self-care, and knowing and trusting yourself.
As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, you may not be seeking therapy because of your perfectionism. You may be tired of being alone or wanting to feel less anxious. Or you may notice that your partner, family, friends, or colleagues frequently comment on your hypercriticism, your desire to be in control, or your insistence on being right. However, these may all be linked to perfectionism.
Intense needs for perfection can result in:
self-scrutiny, self-doubt, and self-criticism.
anxiety, worry, or depression.
relational issues as perfectionism can lead to alienation and missed social opportunities.
more time, money, and resources spent on fixing what isn’t quite broken or to redo entire projects because of minor perceived imperfections and flaws.
The perfectionism trap is easy to fall into. Many cultures emphasize success, achievement, efficiency, and a willingness to work hard. Therefore, it can be easy to view perfectionism as a useful quality. Don’t get me wrong-- hard work and attention to detail are helpful in school, work, and many other areas of life. However, perfectionists experience problems when their desire to be perfect becomes a way of living rather than a way of earning a living.
There are 3 types of perfectionism. Do any of them sound familiar to you?
1. SEEKING APPROVAL & VALIDATION (Connection Survival Style)
You are hard working and eager to meet others’ expectations. Because when you’re perfect, people generally like you and they depend on you. It’s nice to feel liked and valued! However, the desire to meet everyone’s expectations can cause you to live in fear of their disapproval.
2. SEEKING ATTENTION (Attunement Survival Style)
Growing up you may not have felt seen, acknowledged, or attended to by your parent. Now as an adult with unresolved childhood trauma, you may feel like you have lost your sense of self, and the only way to feel good is to stand out by being perfect.
3. SEEKING CONTROL OR CERTAINTY (Autonomy survival Style)
You like precision, and you like to stay in control. You may even be reluctant to delegate tasks because you get easily frustrated by others’ imperfections. After all, your inner voice tells you “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” But in trying to protect your sense of control, others may view you as judgmental.
If you identify with any of these descriptions, try to give yourself grace. Perfectionism is mostly a result of learning and is an adaptation to a hypercritical, high-pressure, invalidating environment. Counseling can help, and we can show you how to change these patterns.
How can counseling help?
Through counseling, you can understand the history of your perfectionism. You can overcome your fear of failure, your desire to be loved or admired, or your desire to please without lowering your standards. You can learn self-acceptance and how to be present in the moment. And you can finally experience perfection in your life without being perfectionistic. If you're ready to make some changes, contact us to schedule your free, 20 minute phone consultation.